The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
by LittleBundleOfAcid
Summary: Part of my Feeling of Hope Jalice Series. Alice reflects on why she hates the dark.


**What about Alice? Contest**

Title: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Penname: LittleBundleOfAcid

Pairing: Jalice

Rating: T for mentions of mental institutes' practices

Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. It belongs to the lovely Stephenie Meyer.

Summary: Alice reflects on why she is afraid of the dark.

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Alice

I hate the dark. I really, really hate the dark. It scares me, and I do not like things that scare me. Well, technically it is not the dark I am afraid of, it is what could possibly hide in it. I know it is stupid and childish, but I cannot help it. Jasper has a theory that it is because the so called "doctors" locked me in the dark when I was human. I do not remember it, but Jasper knows as well as anyone possibly can that the subconscious mind can remember much more than the conscious one.

My husband's theory is something that always triggers thoughts of what they had done to me. I had read books upon books on the treatments and beliefs that had been around in the mental institutes during the time period that I grew up in. Obviously, I had been submitted to shock treatments, at the very least. Why else would I be unable to remember my life before I awoke as a vampire? Being electrocuted in the hopes of fixing me had more than likely done a lot of damage to my mind. Carlisle had even gone as far as to guess that I had received irreversible brain damage. I had yet to meet another vampire who had begun this life like me. So far, I am the only one I know of that does not remember living a human life, or the burning pain of being turned.

After James had attacked Bella, we had watched the tape he had recorded to attempt to taunt Edward. When I had learned of the vampire who had apparently turned me I had been confused. James had made it sound like he been the only light in the darkness that had been my first life. Why would I not remember someone so important? He had saved me from a final death, at the cost of his own life. He had to have had a lot of contact with me. Vampires (unless they were Edward) do not just decide to let somebody kill them on a flim.

I felt guilty when Jasper first told me his theory. My mind had remembered that I was afraid of the dark, but it had forgotten the person who had released me from my prison. It had forgotten my saviour, the man who had more than likely saved me from eventually being forced into an early grave by the people who claimed they were trying to heal me.

My hatred for the dark is something that everyone in my family is aware of, but none of them comment on it. Even vampires need a little bit of light to see something, and my family always make sure that there is a light left on in a room if I am in it. Jasper always leaves our bedroom light on. He is the only member of our family that ever discusses my fear with me. My husband's ability to feel emotions and control them allows us to try to overcome my fear of the dark.

Every few weeks the two of us test how long I can stay in the dark for. Jasper keeps me calm, and tries to relax me. We have been doing it for over 30 years, and I still have not lasted longer than a minute and a half. That minute and a half was the longest minute and a half I have ever experienced. I kept imagining things crawling towards me in the darkness, people hiding in it from me. I imagined that the "doctors" that had been my supposed care givers while I was still human were standing next to me in it, ready to give me shock treatments that even though I could not remember them, frightened me.

Logically, I knew they were not there. Each and every one of them had died a long time ago. Besides, even if they were alive, I would be able to tell of their approach. Being a vampire had some advantages, and being able to hear people approaching no matter how softly they thread was one of them.

Jasper's arms always stayed wrapped around me tightly, but it was still hard not to scream. Jasper's ability allowed him to know when it got to be too much. He never made me stay in the dark any longer than I could stand. I never had to ask for him to flip the light switch back on. He always did it without me asking.

Afterwards, the two of us always just curl up together on our bed. Jasper whispers words of comforts in my ears, and if I need to sob or even just talk about my irrational fear he lets me. I hate how a simple thing like the dark can reduce me to the vampire equivalent of tears.

Yet, no matter how much I hate the dark, I cannot help but be grateful. My fear of the dark comes from my human past. Maybe my family had locked me in a mental institute when they should not have, but (even though I would never admit it) I am glad they did. The mental institute was where the vampire who had turned me had met me. If I had not met him then I would not have become a vampire, and if I had not become a vampire I would never have met, fallen in love with and married Jasper.

Jasper is the light at the end of my long, dark, empty tunnel. It is because Jasper is the light at the end of my long, dark, empty tunnel that I am afraid of the dark. Or rather, that I am afraid of what could possibly be in it, of what my mind associates it with. The darkness means that I have no light. It means that I am alone, that Jasper is not there to wrap his arms around me and whisper that everything is okay.

I hate the dark. I really, really hate the dark. It scares me, and I do not like things that scare me. Well, technically it is not the dark I am afraid of, it is what could possibly hide in it. I know it is stupid and childish, but I cannot help it. What if the people hiding in it take me away and lock me up again? What if they took me away from Jasper?


End file.
